For one night of the year, Santa Claus is the number one person you want to see. Just a glimpse of his snowy beard or his cherry-toned get-up is enough to ensure the arrival of presents, treats, and goodies aplenty. However, other than reaching into his bag of gifts or posing behind a camera at the mall, there aren’t too many other places you’d like to see St. Nick. Here are five places and situations where I would be not-so-pleased to see Santa.
The Bathroom
In my childish mind I imagine that Santa doesn’t have bodily functions. But, he does eat cookies and milk, so it’s only natural that he must need to relieve himself sometime. Those sleigh rides are long and you just know he has to make a little pit stop at one of the houses that he visits. Walking in on anyone using the toilet is bad enough, but dire be the consequences for anyone unlucky enough to walk in on a magic person (I’m sure Santa is definitely some sort of wizard) who’s using the toilet.
Stuck in the Chimney
Santa has more than a few extra pounds, so the idea of him shimmying down a chimney is always risky business. The last thing any child wants to see is Santa’s cookie-filled behind stuck in a chimney. If he’s stuck in there, that means he hasn’t delivered the presents yet and we all know that the number one reason that every child loves the old codger is because of the trinkets and toys that he brings. Of course if you’re an adult and you see Santa stuck in your chimney, it just means that some poor fool thought he could sneak into your house and steal your valuables, which I imagine is equally as upsetting.
Jail
Catching a glimpse of Santa can be a magical event for any child, which is exactly why seeing Jolly Old St. Nick locked up behind bars is like getting tube socks on Christmas Eve (which, by the way, I find to be a highly practical and excellent gift as an adult). The worst part about envisioning Santa in the slammer with all the law breakers isn’t so much actually seeing him in there, it’s wondering what Santa did to end up in cuffs. What was Santa doing? Breaking and entering? Illegal parking in a handicap zone? Animal endangerment? If I had to place bets it would be he had a little too much of Grandma’s special eggnog and then thought he could drive the sleigh! Should’ve listened to Prancer…
Dive Bar
There is only one reason for anyone to ever enter the door of a dive bar and it isn’t the pleasant atmosphere of downtrodden bums, the friendly service from the bartender named Bulldog, or the impeccably clean restrooms that these establishments are known for. To put it plainly, anyone who stays in a sketchy bar for more than 15 minutes isn’t sober. Conversely, anyone sober has too much sense to stay there for that long. Thus, the clear objective of entering a place like that is to pummel your sobriety with an assault of the cheapest alcohol known to mankind. Let’s face it – no one should be in a dive bar, so Santa should definitely not be there. And on the horrid occasion you’d actually decide to subject yourself to an evening in a seedy watering hole and catch a glimpse of St. Nick sprawled over the bar holding a half empty can of Milwaukee’s Best (which is false advertising to begin with), then you’d better prepare yourself for some intense psychological therapy.
Nursing Home
How old is Santa? According to Wikipedia (which we all know is the leading credible source for all information), St. Nick lived in the 4th century, making him over 1500 years old. If he lived in America, the elves would have done what every respectable young person does with the elderly – dumped him into a second rate nursing home that serves sorbet instead of ice cream every Friday night and gone on with their lives. Anyone who’s been to a nursing home knows that there are two types of people who live there: the completely senile who believe that their bed is a 1927 Model-T and the dining room is the Oval Office in the White House, or the hopelessly angry who claim that the staff is stealing their medication (which they are, indeed, probably pilfering). Imagining Santa Claus as either of these two figures could be psychologically-detrimental to any child. Actually seeing him sitting in a wheelchair scowling at the TV with an afghan over his legs, though? That just might actually give a child aneurism.
This post was written by Ryan Heuer for T-Shirts.com, where you can find a wide variety of funny t shirts and more.